I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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