you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
