I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
