there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Randomize
