Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
