you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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