You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
