i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
