grandma shit on top of the toilet
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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