Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
