Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
