My sheets look like a crime scene.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
