i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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