I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
my liver is dry heaving
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
