Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
