I love black thongs
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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