I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
