The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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