Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
