his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
