he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
