Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
