dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
