I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
