Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
