I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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