i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
