He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
