I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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