thus making me awesome and them whores
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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