Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
