I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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