just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
