Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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