Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
