Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
