I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
