So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
