He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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