I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
