Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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