I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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