Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just sent this text using only my big toe
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
