Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
