so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He did a backflip because drugs
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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