oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
