I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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