I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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