I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Randomize
