Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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