Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
