There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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